oh how i wish i could use a shrink ray…

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oh how i wish i could use a shrink ray on the giant worries looming overhead & reduce them to lilliputian proportions

on my tombstone inscribe~a biting diatribe ~so that in death i may guffaw~at every idiosyncrasy & flaw

i feel like the unsteady raft i’m drifting on in this sea of sorrow is quickly losing air…

i hate being unemployed. the last time i’d been unemployed this long was about 12 years ago when i was a sophomore in high school…it bothers me on a lot of levels. i’d grown accustomed to being the breadwinner and had been earning decent wages from december 2005 to early february 2010. now i’m making absolutely no money and am worried about how i can provide for my son. his father and his father’s family live on the opposite side of the country…babybot has only been living here since july and there’s a strong chance he might have to go back and live with his dad in september. this isn’t what i want. but at the same time, i’m so depressed right now about not having a job that it’s making it difficult for me to give babybot my undivided attention. it hurt so much between may and july not seeing my little boy and it was such a relief when i brought him here, but now…all i know is i want what’s best for him regardless of what my emotional side says. i’m also starting to wonder if the current mix of medication i’m on is enough or if there is something else i should be taking. i’m currently taking the max dosage of medicationX and i’ve been taking medicationY more regularly…i wish i could be like other people and have my mood lifted by thinking about the good things in my life. unfortunately that doesn’t work for me, i think i was built without that circuitry or that circuitry is in desperate need of repair. either way, it doesn’t work and then i feel like an asshole for not being able to feel better. i feel guilty for feeling depressed. and about my job hunt, i’ve applied to so many jobs and not just office work.

non-clerical jobs i’ve applied for:
– barista at starbucks (made it to interview stage, then not hired)
– hostess at a pizza place
– deli counter help at a bagel shop
– restaurant server or room service worker at a hotel
– sales or stockperson at various retail chains including but not limited to: ross, the bonton, blockbuster, jcpenney, target, kay jewelers, toys r us, bed bath and beyond, giant food markets and more that i can’t remember right now…

here’s an observation: i noticed that during periods of depression like the one i’m in right now i have a tendency to become addicted to the internet more so than usual…i guess it’s better than crack…

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