yes i have been avoiding posting stuff on this blog…

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because i know that mr. bot reads it every now & then. but really, there is no need to censor myself. there is no need for me make entries that had been public into private entries to spare people’s feelings. this is my blog. i’m allowed to write whatever the fuck i want, whenever the fuck i want to (within reason of course…). i feel bad because when mr. bot was here for a few days, i wasn’t exactly the most congenial hostess because i felt like my parenting style & skills were being evaluated and that if i failed to meet the unwritten mystery criteria that mr. bot would take babybot away. then to exacerbate things further, he kept asking me if i needed him to take babybot for awhile until i had a job and had some of my financial matters ironed out even though i had repeatedly declined. there were other things too, including a terrible bit of conversation that made me absolutely irate. he asked me how babybot got this cut on his lip and i told him that babybot had fallen out of my bed. and he said that he had many bloody noses when he was a kid from falling out of his bed. so i asked jokingly, because he has 2 brothers and 1 sister and a bunch of cousins and i’ve heard countless stories about rough housing and funny antics, if he’d ever been pushed out of bed? apparently he took that as an insult to his family, though he didn’t tell me that at the time, so he said “No, was babybot pushed out of bed?” which to me seems to insinuate that my coinoperatedfuturehusband and i are these monsterous child abusers…i too did not express that his comment bothered me at the time, both of us withholding our feelings about that snippet of chit chat evidently had a negative impact on the rest of his time visiting. there’s a lot of things that have happened during 2010 so far, that i still have not been able to get over, things mr. bot did or didn’t do…or things he said or didn’t say…and i’m not like him…i can’t just say “that’s in the past” and not talk about what happened first…it seems that every time i try to bring up reasons why i’ve been pissed at him at various times this past 9 months he just says that he’s working on changing himself every day and that all that happened was in the past, with seemingly little consideration of how i still feel at the moment…our times never seem to match up…he always seems to want things done and taken care of on his time schedule when he wants things done etc. i’m not saying that i don’t see any signs of him trying to change, but i do always feel like the emphasis for improvement is placed on me…especially when he says “we have to be able to talk about these things, QT…” like basically if i’m not ready to talk about something when he is, i’m defective or something…i know he doesn’t necessarily mean that but it’s just he seems to be so unable to really see things from my perspective despite the fact that we’d been together for over 10 years and claimed to be each other’s best friend…

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