maybe i’m overthinking this…

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whoa, the first entry of 2011..sweeeeeeeeeeeeet…i can’t believe i started this blog in 2009!

at any rate, one thing that i know mr. bot and i agree on is that we both want the best for babybot…but of course, we both seem to have different ideas of what that means…i guess this is the core issue for a lot of divorced folks who attempt the whole “co-parenting” thing…i think the fact that we live on opposite ends of the country compounds this problem further. mr. bot keeps asking me if my plan is still to keep living on the east coast long term and i’ve been saying that so far, yes, that is my intent, but then he continues to periodically ask the same question…i understand that long distance co-parenting is difficult, but survival in general is no simple task so…i think he keeps hoping that i’m going to change my mind and move back to the west coast but i don’t think that’s likely unless perhaps i won the lottery or some other miraculous event resulting in the state of my financial affairs improving exponentially…i can’t afford to move back right now, and even if i could, besides the obvious reason of theoretically making things easier for babybot emotionally, i don’t have much reason to…don’t get me wrong, it kills me to see how much our divorce has impacted my little babybot, and how much he misses his father etc. but i also have to consider that i have a job here, albeit not the highest paying job, but it’s a job in the field that i want to continue to work in and it’s more tolerable than other law jobs i’ve had in the past…also that clw’s family lives here, and given a tragic event that happened last summer, i think it’s important to stay close to them at least for the next couple years…and i love clw, and i would be an explosive, heinous trainwreck without him—he helps keep me functioning, is dedicated to me and dedicated to my son…clw keeps saying that he’d move back to CA with me if that’s what i wanted but it’s not really what i want…also, the cost of living there is astronomically high and even when i was getting paid several times more than what i am currently earning in PA, i felt like we were barely making ends meet…i don’t like feeling like i’m drowning fiscally all the time…i know i’ve got more debt than i’ve ever had in my whole life right now, but at least in PA it seems there’s a much higher likelihood of being able to get a breath of air now and then so to speak— in other words, it seems much more feasible to financially recover here…i also know that with smart financial planning and improved budgeting skills, clw and i can actually afford to buy a house here, which is nearly impossible in CA…

part of what i don’t understand about mr. bot asking me about moving back to CA is that he himself is considering moving out of state within the next few years, so how would moving back to CA make things better in the long term? also, he keeps asking me to consider moving to states he is considering, as if the life i’ve begun to build here is trivial, meaningless and unimportant…and that i need to sacrifice everything to make things easier for him? to my knowledge, he has not considered moving to PA or to the east coast at all so does it seem fair that even now that we are no longer married, he wants me to do things his way? i don’t think he realizes how his persistent line of inquiry is an affront to my judgment in general and my major life changing decision making ability…

i’m exhausted and have to wake up for work in about 3 hours so that’s it for tonight…

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